Yesterday I ignored the nagging feeling I had to keep Jonah home and allowed him to go to the Kids Club two darling teenagers in our neighborhood had put together. Jonah hit another little boy with a shovel, sending him to InstaCare where he received 5 stitches in his forehead. Luckily the mother of the hurt child was extremely forgiving and understanding.
I was horrified. I constantly feel conflicted over what to do with Jonah. He desperately needs the social interaction with other kids. Situations like Kids Club are perfect for him to learn and grow. But is it fair to the other kids? They deserve to be safe too. He's just so unpredictable and impulsive. I'm tired of feeling embarrassed over his behavior. He's old enough now that we can't pass him off as a busy toddler who throws fits. His behavior draws more attention. I just want to be able to go places with my kids and enjoy our time together without the stress and constant worry over what he will do. Sometimes it's exhausting. And I know to be grateful that he's so high functioning. His prognosis for living a normal life is great with the right care and intervention during this very precious window of development and time in his life, and yet I feel a tremendous amount of pressure and stress that if I don't get things right with him now that he won't get that normal life. During moments like yesterday I feel as if I haven't given him all that he needs to be successful, and that window will close and he will struggle the rest of his life and it will be my fault.
This morning I talked to a good friend who recently lost a family member who was a child. She shared with me a very sacred experience which reminded me of how thin the veil is between this world and the spirit world. It was the perfect reminder for me that as hard as things are with Jonah, I don't have to do this alone. I know I am receiving help from the other side which will continue as I raise Jonah and the rest of my children. It was just the perspective that I needed to buoy me up so that my desire to keep trying and keep going is replenished. I don't know what the future holds for Jonah, but for some reason the Lord saw fit to send him to me to raise. I know I have a lot to learn and still worry that I will get things right with him, but knowing that I'm not alone, that I have a good husband, family members, neighbors, members of my church congregation and even angels that are here among us that we can't visibly see right now lifts the burdens from my shoulders considerably.
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5 comments:
Oh, Amanda. My heart is breaking for you right now. I don't have the same challenges as you, but I fret over how little, little time I have with my oldest before he's off in the world. I know exactly how it feels to think that a window for raising a son is closing, and that the way he turns out will be my fault if I don't help him enough. But I also know, deep down, how wrong it is to think that way. I truly believe that Satan knows if he can discourage a mother, he wins. You are so right that we are not alone in raising our children. They are Heavenly Father's children first, and He has a special interest in helping us. Thank you for your reminder on this perspective. I think you are a tremendous mother. Love to you!
You're amazing, Amanda. I've always thought so. You are the exact right mom for Jonah. He needs you and I know you will do a fantastic job with him. You are very patient and so loving. Just a day at a time. We love Jonah and believe he has every ability to really excel with the family he was born into. Your kids are great examples for him.
I'm so sorry that happened. I KNOW how hard this can be. Sometimes you are at a loss as to what you should do, what the next step should be in your journey, or how you are going to endure the current period of time. But... even though it can be overwhelming, I have come to learn (albeit, at times, very painfully), that this too shall pass. The light will come. Bit by bit, the path will become clear. People, therapists, medication, treatment, etc will be given to you. At least it has worked this way for us. Slowly but surely our path has been guided. As I look back, I do see the Lord's hand in our lives and a way provided for us to endure. All I can say is hold on. You are right, you are never alone - even though it may feel that way at times - like others don't understand. I know our Heavenly Father is mindful of His daughters and His precious special children. I too have questioned if I am the one who can help Jackson - if I can teach him what he needs to know and progress. And then I remember that my HF knows best. He knows what I need to progress in this life and what Jackson needs. We need each other. Much love to you.
I am so sorry that happened. I love your perspective and faith. It is so heartbreaking to see our children struggle and to wonder if there is something we could be doing that we just don't know about. It takes so much faith and trust to keep our heads up. I have seen you be very mindful and proactive every step of the way with Jonah. things happen to discourage us, but know that you are exceptional.ffcstrn 13
Jonah is blessed to have you for his mother. With your faith, prayers, and all the research and effort you continually do to be able to help him, you are one AMAZING momma! Keep up the good work Amanda. You are truly wonderful and he will be eternally blessed by your loving care.
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